The Sexy/Evil Club
by FLuFFy
Summary: The season 4 opener. Oh the drama! Oh the angst! Heh. Yeah, right. R/R.


"The Sexy/Evil Club"  
By: FLuFFy  
Rating: PG13 (Some SLASH elements. Nothing naughty.)  
  
Notes: Spoilers through season three. Wesley decided to join Wolfram & Hart after "Tomorrow". It's really f-ed up because, otherwise, it just wouldn't be a FLuFF-style story. Maybe you'll want to read my "Cupcakes" story so you know my theory on Angel. I'll repeat it once or twice in here...  
  
  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
  
[scene. Wolfram & Hart, day]  
  
  
  
GAVIN: ...I think you'll find it very pleasant here at Wolfram & Hart.  
  
WESLEY: Do you have what I asked for?  
  
GAVIN: Of course.  
  
  
[cue Enya's "only time" as Lilah wheels in a big box like the one they  
kept Darla in when they brought her back]  
  
  
[Wesley plops back into his new desk]  
  
  
WESLEY: Excellent. May I have a moment?  
  
  
[Lilah and Gavin leave]  
  
  
WESLEY: Welcome back...  
  
  
[cue dramatic music.]  
  
  
  
[cue dramatic pause]  
  
  
  
[this is bothering you, huh?]  
  
  
  
[dramatic music stops]  
  
  
  
[no sound for a few seconds]  
  
  
  
...Lindsey.  
  
  
  
[scene. Hyperion, day.]  
  
  
FRED: ...and then I thought that you knew but you didn't know that Angel was going to meet her, but then I knew and forgot that she was going to meet him but she never got to meet him or else they'd be over at her apartment making out unless you know something that I don't know, but in that case I think you'd tell me what you know but I dont, of course then I'd know too and we'd know where Angel is...  
  
GUNN: Day-um, woman! Don't you ever shut up?  
  
FRED: Charles! That's not your line! You're supposed to be a lovesick puppy dog with no gangster edge and I'm supposed to ramble like there's no tomorrow.  
  
GUNN: Oh, right. You are so cute when you ramble. Pancake kisses!  
  
FRED: Yay!  
  
[They share a pancake kiss]  
  
  
[Cordelia falls in through the ceiling]  
  
  
CORDELIA: Stupid powers!  
  
FRED: Cordelia? Your hair...It's...  
  
[notices Cordelia's season one hair]  
  
...gorgeous!  
  
CORDELIA: Thanks! The Powers totally took away my demoness...and my hair dye!  
  
GUNN: Wait, if you're not half demon anymore, won't you dye...uh...die from the visions?  
  
CORDELIA: They took those, too! Bastards!  
  
FRED: But why would they take you up there only to take their only link to them and throw you back down?  
  
CORDELIA: Because nothing makes sense on this show anymore.  
  
GUNN: So then who's gonna have the visions now?  
  
  
[Another person falls from the ceiling]  
  
  
DOYLE: You'll pay for that, buddy!  
  
CORDELIA: Doyle!?  
  
GUNN&FRED: Who the hell is that?  
  
DOYLE: Francis Doyle. And you are?  
  
CORDELIA: That's Fred and Gunn.  
  
DOYLE: Which is which?  
  
CORDELIA: Does it matter?  
  
DOYLE: I guess not.  
  
CORDELIA: How are you alive!?  
  
DOYLE: FLuFFy thinks your relationship with Angel is ridiculously contrived, so she decided to give you a relationship that actually has chemistry.  
  
CORDELIA: So she brought you back? Why not just stick me with Wesley?  
  
DOYLE: Oh, she has other plans for him. Can we make out now, love?  
  
  
[They do, and there's CHEMISTRY!]  
  
  
  
  
[scene. the ocean, angel is in his box]  
  
ANGEL: [singing] nine hundred and eighty-seven thousand bottles of beer on the wall, nine hundred and eighty-seven thousand bottles of beer. Take one down, pass it around, nine hundred and eighty-six thousand, nine hundred ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall! Nine hundred and eighty six thous....  
  
  
  
  
[scene. Wolfram & Hart. Wesley's new office]  
  
LINDSEY: So, you brought me back to torture Angel?  
  
WESLEY: Not exactly. FLuFFy needed a cool bad guy, other than me of course, and Gavin just wouldn't cut it. Speaking of... [shouts] GAAAAAVVIIIINNN!!!!!  
  
GAVIN: Yes?  
  
[Wesley beheads Gavin.]  
  
WESLEY: Much better. Anyway, you're also here for another reason, but we'll get to that later. Are you in?  
  
LINDSEY: Do I have a choice?  
  
WESLEY: No.  
  
LINDSEY: Sure. What the hell.  
  
WESLEY: Excellent. Now go make out with me in that closet.  
  
LINDSEY: Well, that was pretty...  
  
WESLEY: Outspoken?  
  
LINDSEY: To say the least.  
  
WESLEY: Are we...  
  
LINDSEY: Yeah.  
  
  
  
[They make out, and there's CHEMISTRY!]  
  
  
  
[scene. hyperion, day]  
  
CORDELIA: So, are you back for good?  
  
DOYLE: I better be. This better not be one of those fucking Oz deals.  
  
FRED: You guys are missing the most important thing! Angel's trapped in a box under the ocean!  
  
GUNN: How the hell did you know that?  
  
FRED: I'm Fred. I know everything.  
  
DOYLE: Well, we have to save him!  
  
CORDELIA: Call Wesley.  
  
FRED: I don't think Angel'd like that...  
  
GUNN/DOYLE/CORDELIA: Shut up, Fred.  
  
CORDELIA: [on the phone] There's no answer.  
  
DOYLE: So this Wesley, is he hot?  
  
CORDELIA: Oh my god!  
  
DOYLE: I'm kidding. The gay's strictly on Lindsey in this story.  
  
CORDELIA: Lindsey's back?  
  
GUNN: Could we focus?  
  
FRED: I think we should infiltrate Wolfram & Hart.  
  
GUNN: That's a great idea, except that it's, you know, almost impossible!  
  
CORDELIA: Maybe we should just go swimming and look for him.  
  
FRED: But...That's...  
  
GUNN: Fred, you know FLuFFy's mantra!  
  
FRED: Nothing makes...  
  
GUNN: Exactly!  
  
CORDELIA: To the ocean!  
  
  
  
  
[scene. Angel's box]  
  
ANGEL: [singing] Under the sea! Under the sea! We've got the spirit, you've got to hear it... Under the Seaaaaaaa!  
  
  
  
[scene. wolfram & hart]  
  
  
LILAH: So, do we have a plan?  
  
LINDSEY: [prying wesley off of him] For what?  
  
LILAH: For getting Angel out of the box.  
  
WESLEY: Why would we wanna do that?  
  
LILAH: Because nothing makes...  
  
LINDSEY/WESLEY/LILAH: ...sense on this show anymore.  
  
LINDSEY: Yeah, we know. But don't you think the fans are gonna be confused?  
  
LILAH: Why should we care about them? Joss doesn't!  
  
WESLEY: True.  
  
LINDSEY: How about we get a big magnet and put it over the Pacific?  
  
WESLEY: That's so stupid...  
  
LILAH: It's moronic!  
  
WESLEY: It makes no sense at all...  
  
WESLEY/LILAH: It's perfect!  
  
  
  
  
[scene. the ocean. Enya's "Only Time" plays in the background (again) as we see heroic shots of our... uh... heroes?]  
  
  
DOYLE: [singing] Who can say la la la la...la la la la...ONLY TIIIIMMME!!  
  
GUNN: He doesn't know what's going on, but he knows Enya. That's whack!  
  
CORDELIA: You guys, what's that?  
  
[they look up at a giant black object]  
  
GUNN: I think it's a flyin' saucer.  
  
FRED: They've finally come to take me home!  
  
  
[everyone stares]  
  
  
[cut to: a boat, that isn't being pulled up by the giant magnet because...you know.]  
  
  
LINDSEY: There it is!  
  
[a metal box comes flying up out of the water, splashing lindsey]  
  
LINDSEY: Oh man, that's gonna ruin my cape.  
  
LILAH: [To Lindsey and Wesley] Why are you two wearing capes, anyway?  
  
WESLEY: We've started an evil villain partnership!  
  
LINDSEY: That's right! The Sexy/Evil Club!  
  
LILAH: Uh huh...  
  
WESLEY: [singing] ...We're extrememly close in an ambiguous way!  
  
LINDSEY: ...We're ambiguously gay!  
  
LILAH: Could we focus?  
  
[they bring Angel's box onboard. they open it...]  
  
  
[Angel is making out with a sea turtle, and there's CHEMISTRY!]  
  
  
LILAH: Holy crap.  
  
LINDSEY: That's kinda sexy. [looks at wesley]  
  
[Wesley grins. They run off to a broom closet to make some gay love]  
  
  
[Lilah drags Angel ashore while Enya plays]  
  
  
ANGEL: Don't I get any gay love?  
  
CORDELIA: Angel!  
  
[she runs over and merely kisses him on the cheek]  
  
FRED: Oh my god, what is that!?  
  
[harmful radiation emits from Angel and Cordelia being together. Fred melts]  
  
GUNN: Fred!  
  
DOYLE: Cordelia!  
  
CORDELIA: All I did was kiss him on the cheek!  
  
DOYLE: That girl's dead now!  
  
ANGEL: Yeah. Nobody cares about her, anyway.   
  
  
[He kisses Cordelia. lilah's head explodes. pigs fly. sirens wail.]  
  
  
WESLEY: [running onscreen] What the hell is that noise!? [notices fred] Fred!? Fred!? Curses!  
  
[Lindsey runs onscreen, naked. ]  
  
LINDSEY: Wesley! Get back here!  
  
WESLEY: Yeah, alright.  
  
[they run away]  
  
  
DOYLE: Angel?  
  
ANGEL: Doyle!  
  
[Doyle stakes Angel]  
  
CORDELIA: What'd you do that for?  
  
DOYLE: FLuFFy hasn't liked him lately either.  
  
CORDELIA: Oh.  
  
DOYLE: Cordy...  
  
CORDELIA: Huh?  
  
DOYLE: Why does nothing make sense...  
  
CORDELIA: It's the mantra. We live by it here in the Whedonverse. It didn't exist when you were around because...well...quite frankly...you rocked.  
  
DOYLE: That's sweet.  
  
LILAH: Wait, now that he's back, we can have plots that make sense?  
  
CORDELIA: Perhaps...  
  
DOYLE: Wait...didn't her head just explode?  
  
CORDELIA: ...or not.  
  
  
  
THE END 


End file.
